When monkeys attack... a re-enactment

Similarly ludicrous to the “killer killer whale” story of a couple months ago, last week the Metro offered another animal attack gem. Attempting to conquer her lifelong pomfretphobia (fear of primates), Dee Darwell visited Monkey Island (no, not the point-and-click PC puzzle game of the 90s) off the coast of Phuket.

Again I would like to caveat this post with the disclaimer that I don’t condone or find unprovoked monkey ambushes amusing. However the resultant quotes are hilarious. The full story is available on the Metro website but for your reading pleasure I’ve listed a few choice excerpts below.

She had a fear of primates after her father brought up a ‘positively evil’ chimpanzee. Surely some explanation is necessary as to why her father owned a chimpanzee. Child from a failed first marriage? Michael Jackson fan? Furthermore how did he successfully instil the evil? À la Chris’s evil monkey from Family Guy.

‘The next thing I noticed, this monkey walked up next to me and I thought, “Oh dear”. Imagine a knee-high macaque swaggering toward Dee like a drunken hoody and the exclamation of such an emotive epiphany as she realised the monkey’s intentions were not pure.

‘There was one man, a tourist, and when he saw the monkey bite me, he screamed and ran off’. Unless the onlooker had watched Outbreak (atrocious movie recently released in Thailand) the night before, I put it to you that that man was a coward.

Tour leader Yongyut Buasod said: ‘We can’t control the monkeys if they decide to bite someone.’ Classic denial of liability.