Public Transport 101….

Q1) Assuming the role of transport department chief for a UNESCO world heritage city, how would you make public transport more efficient and accessible?

a) Break the local bus operator’s monopoly, allowing new entrants to offer wider route coverage and cheaper fares reflective of petrol prices and inflation (aside: an increase from 80p to £1.20 in 5 years is only representative for Zimbabwe).

b) Re-introduce a tram network (budget = £500m+).

c) Introduce a monorail (budget = probably less than £500m).

For the avoidance of doubt, the correct answer is a). Although inexplicably Edinburgh Council transport department opted for b). You may remember these clowns from past traffic tragedies such as the failed enforcement of a road toll or the installation of pop-up bollards on George Street removed after a few weeks. Similarly, nobody asked for or wants the trams – has anyone stood waiting for a bus thought “I wish there were buses that could only go forwards and backwards”?

Retailers lose trade as footfall and traffic are diverted from their shopfronts. Motorists, armed with increasingly confused satnavs, navigate ever-changing road layouts. Residents face embarrassment as ugly roadworks scar the once beautiful cobbled streets, and blackouts as power cables are accidentally cut.

To date more than £350m has been spent … representing two-thirds of the original budget. Putting that into perspective, South Korea spent only £275m on a failed rocket launch recently and rockets are far cooler than trams. The project is estimated at only 18% completion, much less than the planned 86% for this juncture. Applying simple maths, the cost could potentially balloon to almost £2billion! Perfect timing as the country recovers from recession and the new coalition Government proposes stringent public spending cuts. And the project now won’t complete until earliest 2013, a year later than planned. After the Scottish Parliament fiasco, you’d have thought the Council would have learnt their lesson and stopped trying to build things.

Could the situation get any worse? Blinkered bureaucracy abound, of course it can. The Council has recently initiated proceedings to remove German construction giant, main contractor and scapegoat, Bilfinger Berger, from the project potentially triggering a lengthy and costly court battle. Such a dispute could delay the scheme by a further few years and the Council would inevitably lose, having lost the majority of independent adjudications conducted to date.

Given the above farce, it’s no great surprise the critics are wading in. Deputy council leader Steve Cardownie (SNP) is set to demand a referendum on whether to scrap the tram project. Not a bad call if the cost of reversing the 18% is less than the cost to enact the 72%. A better remedy may be to tie the misguided members of the original tram think-tank to the tracks on Princes Street and re-open the stretch to embittered taxi and bus drivers.

A West End printshop expresses frustration through the medium of movie-based satire