What does Iceland actually contribute to the world? Magnus Magnusson, competition for fishing grounds, budget supermarkets and a failed bank. Not looking too favourable for the veritable nubin of Europe then (TM GK). Iceland is unlikely to win any imminent global popularity contests following Thursday’s eruption at the snappily named Eyjafjallajokull volcano (as this Sky News report clearly shows). The resultant ash cloud has rendered Europe a no-fly zone, stranding tens of thousands of air-travellers and costing airlines £130million a day. Miss Iceland will undoubtedly be Nordic-hot but she doesn’t stand a chance.

Apparently numerous travel insurers are refusing to compensate affected travellers, citing the subjective ‘act of God’ catch-all. However, has the Ministry of Defence considered this could actually be a subtle act of terrorism. October 2008 and Icelandic bank, Landsbanki, collapsed causing the British Government to invoke anti-terror laws to freeze UK-held assets. The Icelandic prime minister was not very impressed, passionately denouncing Gordon Brown by calling his international embarrassment “not very pleasant”. Secretly though Iceland’s finest geologists were plotting a seismic attack, sufficiently understated so as to appear a natural disaster, threatening to undermine the UK’s fragile economic recovery and double-dip the patronising bully back to recession. Certainly the initial satellite images showed what could only be described as an ‘ash beam’ aimed directly at the British Isles.

As I write this post, Europe’s airspace is gradually reopening following uneventful test flights. The Royal Navy has been despatched to return stranded Britons. The airlines are mimicking the banking sector and requesting financial assistance from the Government – at least it wasn’t their fault. All positive then, however the volcano (or ash cannon) could unpredictably reignite at any time bringing Europe to a standstill once more. Apparently the last sizeable eruption happened 200 years ago and lasted for 2 years. Mercifully only 1% of the UK’s trade is conducted via air but imagine how Europe would devolve relative to the other superpowers without air traffic for a prolonged period of time. Therefore I think the EU should consider contingency plans – a huge airborne west-pointing fan, nuclear bombing the volcano or perhaps a space-bound pipe to vent the ash, let’s call it an ‘ash pipe’. Ideas on a postcard to Brussels.

Looks pretty pre-meditated to me....

My bitterness stems from a cancelled stag weekend to Riga. Thankfully we had the luxury of a Plan B to Newcastle (photos on the Flickr feed). Or more precisely Whitley Bay, a subsection of Hell where single men go when they die. Comprising a single street of strip clubs opening at noon and crawling with stag parties, the Bay’s only saving grace is its proximity to Newcastle. Apart from the ridiculousness of an Icelandic volcano, highlights included a snapped fanbelt, a stag too inebriated to leave his bed on the first night, a bar-room brawl and barnyard-inspired costumes. Good times despite Iceland’s best efforts.