IKEA is truly a wondrous place. Scandinavian simplicity and standardisation displayed effortlessly in uncluttered “example rooms”. IKEA should consider replacing the arrow-laden walking path with a slow-moving rollercoaster – like the Jorvik Centre ride in York with marginally less vikings. Although the IKEA designers are technically descended from vikings.

The reality of IKEA isn’t so magical. Couples squabbling over the subtle dichotomy between black and black-brown, the background noise of screaming children, the go-to-hell looks if you fight against the walking tour current  and the depressing thought that the decorative tastes of million of customers can be simplified, categorised and targeted.  But I guess you get what you pay for. And on a recent visit, I paid for a bonsai tree. Curious extracts from the care instructions are as follows:

“Protect the plant against cold and draught during transportation” – like a newborn

“The plant may lose some of its leaves 2-3 weeks after purchase. This is normal as the plant is sensitive to changes.” – like a teenager

“To keep the shape of your bonsai tree, pruning is needed. But don’t take away too much. All that you cut away above the soil also dies underneath.” – like an adult

Possibly more curious, all the Collection Point staff were young, superblonde females – surely such blatant discrimination against brunettes and redheads in the name of brand consistency is unacceptable.