Come on Andy… January 30, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Sport.Tags: andy murray, australian open, cyborg, emotionless, furries, marin cilic, roger federer, sex addiction, sex clinic, tennis, Tiger Woods
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After an initial stutter, Andy Murray convincingly romped Croatian Cilic 3-6 6-4 6-4 6-2 on Thursday to reach only the second Grand Slam final of his career. Although a hangover is inevitable, I plan on getting up tomorrow to watch the plucky Scot vanquish the sport’s behemoth, Federer, in the Aussie Open final. Sent back from the future to dominate tennis in the noughties (whoever named the last decade needs a kick-in), Federer is a cold and dispassionate cyborg and arguably the only confrontational export of Switzerland. Yes he can cry (and frequently does) but so can Tiny Tears dolls.
Is Murray humankind's last chance against the weeping machines?
The only other sports “personality” (or lack thereof) so notably emotionless was Tiger Woods. Until recently. I mean, who hasn’t slept with Tiger?
How long before the Fed announces his depraved addiction of choice? Not likely to be sex related as his ever-pregnant wife is omnipresent, at every game, watching his every move. Much less wiggle room, so to speak. As an aside, surely a sex clinic is a self-fulfilling prophecy – sex addicts imprisoned with nothing to do apart from other sex addicts. So what will Federer’s fetish of choice be? Given his bold fashion statements, my money’s on furries….
The iPad – Apple finally addresses feminine hygiene? January 29, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Technology.Tags: apple, feminine hygiene, iPad, iTouch, Steve Jobs, tablet, Wired
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Steve Jobs finally develops and demonstrates the iShrink (Photo: REUTERS)
Steve Jobs premiered the new Apple iPad on Wednesday to obligatory media overhype (“Apple haven’t announced anything for 5 minutes, somebody get me a sound bite!”). But tablets – technology for technology’s sake?
The iPad looks like a bloated iTouch and suffers many of its mini-me’s failings: no camera, no removable battery, app store exclusivity, no USB connectivity, no Flash player. The last omission may be excusable for the smaller predecessor burdened by 3G and usage ceilings but the inability to watch YouTube or iPlayer on such a glorious LED screen is surely a missed opportunity. Apple really haven’t developed anything ground-breaking here – it’s just an iTouch with a 9.7inch screen.
I’m not alone in my consumer cynicism. In a Wired online poll only 39% would buy the iPad and of the 60% declining, 71% claimed their existing smartphone and laptop had it covered. People will buy the iPad, as (once again) Apple have designed a beautiful piece of kit. However Apple is entering an established market, having addressed none of the past criticisms, with a product that is more form than substance. Much like the introduction of the perfumed pantyliner.
Movie Review – Up in the Air – 9 / 10 January 26, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Movies.Tags: george clooney, jason reitman, thank you for smoking, up in the air, vera farmiga
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Not another rom-com starring George Clooney I hear you say. Indeed. Despite some genuinely touching interludes, this is NOT a romantic comedy. Thankfully. This is the latest satirical masterpiece from Jason Reitman, director of critically acclaimed Thank You For Smoking and Juno.
Poor George always hated Bacardi but his agent insisted he buy it from the Duty-Free
Clooney plays Ryan Bigham, a corporate worker bee airborne 300 days of the year and measuring his no-strings lifestyle in frequent flier miles. A topical snapshot of recession-battered America, Bingham is subcontracted to fire employees of other companies. Gripping, powerful and occasionally funny, the performances of the ‘let-go’ convey the same nauseating sympathy you’d feel watching real-life dismissals. And Reitman is not afraid of prolonging excruciatingly painful moments for the sake of realism. Despite his undesirable occupation, Bingham’s ingenuousness, respect and compassion towards his victims means the character is still very likeable. Much like Aaron Eckhart in Thank You For Smoking, Clooney plays a good guy in morally subjective employment.
With perhaps the exception of Michael Clayton, Clooney’s subtle comedy makes this arguably his best film to date. His love interest, a fellow corporate nomad played by Vera Farmiga, is convincingly seductive and as their airport-to-airport affair blossoms Bingham starts to reconsider the trappings and possessions of normality. As with Reitman’s previous offerings, the script is witty and poignant with lines like “you’re a break from my life. You’re a parenthesis”.
So if you’re expecting a romantic comedy you’ll be disappointed … but not for very long.
Word of the week – 25/1/10 January 25, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Word of the week.Tags: maelstrom, turbulent, violent, whirlpool, Word of the week
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Maelstrom
Chamonix 2010… boys on tour, mainly stunts January 23, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Friends, Travel.Tags: 20s plenty, alps, apres ski, boarding, chamonix, France, skiing, snow, snowboarding
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With drunken and emotive spontaneity, I gatecrashed the 20s Plenty snowboarding tour of Chamonix. A group of twenty-somethings (hence the team name) from Dunfermline with a penchant for stunts and drinking, they reminded me of myself at that age. Like a stag-do without a stag. Rather than a daily diary, I’ve braindumped amusing anecdotes from the trip below.
Outward flight: Little girl overhead saying to her parents that she’d heard “Lady Gaga was a transformer”. Six ingredients guaranteed to result in a plane crash on landing – late departure, slurring pilot, 6-inches of snow on the runway, pointless stewardess statements (“ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be coming through the cabin with a selection of wines to complement the food you’ve just eaten”), ridiculous incestual laughter and chicken as an in-flight meal.
Steve: Another elderly, honorary member of 20s Plenty, Steve was on-the-wagon due to health problems despite offers of transplants from myself and the boys (although I think I had convinced them that kidneys grow back). He graciously accepted the paternal responsibility of “designated documenter” during our inebriated apres ski. Like a war correspondent or nature documenter, Steve captured the moments but couldn’t interfere with his subjects regardless of how messed up the situation got.
Beej: Despite spectacularly defeating Mr Incredible in a dance-off (view video), my little brother Brian (aka Beej) managed to overextend his rotator cuff with two days of the holiday left. Hitting a jump way too fast, Beej starting to tip forward mid-air before landing on the front of his board and tumbling for ages. After we had all stopped laughing, a make-shift sling was fabricated MacGuyver-style and Beej was grounded for the last couple of days.
Conditions: Several staggeringly perfect days. Days that made me question my agnosticism as scenery and weather combined flawlessly – check out my photos on Flickr and please leave comments.
McDonalds: Ozzy (17) demanding a happy meal (TM) at midnight. “Until we get rid of medicine, humans cannot evolve” – Beej. “Ronald McDonald is not a f*cking magician” – Anon.
Overall, an awesome trip. So awesome, there’s a song to comemorate (to be sung to the 12 Days of Christmas):
12 baths for Steve
11 o’clock wake-ups
10 frames of bowling
9 duty-free bottles
£8 a Cola
7 20s Plenty
6 days a boarding
5 diff-rent hills
4 letter words
3 sixties
2 black-out nights
And an all-girl Norwegian ski team.
Googling January 20, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Thoughts, Web.Tags: anomalies, china, gmail, Google, human rights, Thoughts, Web
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Following an alleged Chinese cyber-attack on the Gmail accounts of human rights activists, Google has revoked censorship policies previously agreed with the Chinese government which will inevitably result in banishment from communist cyberspace. On a lighter side though, check out the following algorithmic anomalies…
Is it wrong ... if you have to ask, probably yes
Why is there ... so much living room genocide
Shit. How many people want to sleep with family members … click through for the truly disturbing. Townloads of dead Pakistanis littering couches!
Word of the week – 18/1/10 January 18, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Word of the week.Tags: angry, apoplectic, furious, Word of the week
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Apoplectic
“1. furious: overcome with anger. 2. exhibiting symptoms of stroke: having the symptoms of a stroke ( archaic )”
Not a cry for help…. January 17, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Thoughts.Tags: Books, Hugh Laurie, The Gun Seller, Thoughts
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Although this post may sound a little self-help, I’m pretty much a work-in-progress right now seeking direction and inspiration. I came across the following extract in Hugh Laurie‘s book, The Gun Seller (almost finished, thoughts coming soon) and felt it appropriate:
There once was a man who went to see a psychiatrist, crippled by a fear of flying. His phobia was based on the belief there would be a bomb on any plane he boarded. The psychiatrist tried to shift the phobia but couldn’t, so he sent his patient to a statistician. The statistician prodded a calculator and informed the man that the odds against there being a bomb on board the next flight he took were half a million to one. The man still wasn’t happy, and sat there convinced he’d be on that one plane out of half a million. So the statistician prodded the calculator again and said “all right, would you feel safer if the odds were ten million to one against?” The man said, yes, of course he would. So the statistician said “the odds against there being two, separate, unrelated bombs on board your next flight are exactly ten million to one against. “The man looked puzzled, and said “that’s all well and good, but how does it help me?” The statistician replied: “It’s very simple. You take a bomb on board with you.”
So that’s what I’m going to do from now on – make my own luck and carry the metaphorical bomb with me.
Movie Review – Law Abiding Citizen – 5.5 / 10 January 13, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Movies.Tags: gerard butler, jamie foxx, law abiding citizen, legal system, movie review, Movies, revenge
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Adored by millions worldwide, I still don’t understand the big deal about Gerard Butler. Admittedly his mainstream debut in 300 was extremely potent but with the exception of passable RocknRolla, the subsequent rom-coms and action flops (Gamer) have eroded his credibility. The forced accent which causes his face to distort as though he’s chewing wasps is distracting but definitely superior to Christian Bale‘s lisping Batman. How difficult can an American accent be? When “driving thru” burger joints in the states, I always worry I won’t be understood through the intercom and so adopt a questionable inflection. At least without facial distortion and uncontrollable lisping though.
Despite the dramatic backdrop, Butler still looks like he's storing food in his pouches for winter
Anyway, I digress. Law Abiding Citizen involves Butler seeking retribution against a flawed legal system that failed him when his wife and daughter were graphically raped and murdered. As a remote weaponry specialist, his character begins systematically killing all those associated with the injustice. A palpable sense of dread escalates throughout as the combined incompetence of the FBI, CIA, Philly police and DA’s office fail to ascertain how Butler continues to kill from solitary confinement. Jamie Foxx plays the disillusioned and battle-weary district attorney and represents Butler’s final vengeance. Solid enough premise for a thriller with plenty scope for a gripping rivalry and a poignant moral dilemma (who is the good guy and who is he bad guy?).
Unfortunately the movie doesn’t deliver for a number of reasons. First the script is appallingly inconsistent with quotes ranging from the sublime…
Butler: You’re the one who makes deals with murders yea? Well I’ve come to make mine. Release me.
Foxx: [smugly] Or what?
Butler: Or I kill everyone.
OR Foxx: Please f*ck this up, so I can destroy you.
… to the ridiculous…
Butler: I’m gonna pull the whole thing down. I’m gonna bring the whole f*ckin’ diseased, corrupt temple down on your head. It’s gonna be biblical.
…. My personal favourite is when Butler acts as his own legal counsel during his bail hearing and after an impassioned and educated speech about the corruptness of the system, his closing argument to the female judge consists of “I’ll bet you take it up the f*ckin’ ass too, bitch!” I’m as much a fan of Tourettes-style outbursts directed at authority figures as the next man, but even I felt that was gratuitous.
The plot too reeks of inconsistency. The miscarriage of justice initially occurs because Foxx accepts a plea bargain from the murderer rather than his accomplice. Therefore, the murderer serves minimal jail time and the accomplice is executed. Why did Foxx not just offer the accomplice a plea bargain in the first place and we could have avoided the whole 2 hours? Finally after several impressive set-pieces, the ending is a colossal disappointment – no supposed tactical genius would be that sloppy. Ultimately a “biblical” waste of potential.
Word of the week – 11/1/10 January 11, 2010
Posted by jasoncondie in Word of the week.Tags: dictionary, hubristic, Word of the week
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Hubristic
“Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance”
